Have you ever watched an old VCR tape? I love the way you can fast forward through the entire section of dragging commercials with the simple push of a button. In only seconds, every commercial before the movie can be over in seconds. I think about this classic way to watch movies and the powerful fast forward button, I think about the way life is much the same. With my birthday fast approaching once again, it feels like someone has pressed the fast forward button on my life. I feel like in a few short seconds, my life has gone from age 7 to age 16. It’s a scary feeling to feel like I’m not ready. They say time flies when you’re having fun, and I’m starting to believe that they’re right. Maybe it’s just the way time seems to zoom by when you are caught up in the present. I’ve been so caught up in the moment and looking forward to the future that it almost seems like a dream for it to be almost here. Learning about grace, friends, trust, stereotypes, regrets, and countless other life lessons that I have has made my life worth living; being distracted by the world around me has distracted me and made time fly. Even to remember the way I seemed to have grown in the past year has made my head spin. My calendar has a big red “16” on the second Sunday of this month, and every time I glance that way, it seems to be taunting me. To be this old marks a new chapter in my life. I’m old enough to get a job and drive. In two years, I’ll be out of school and on my own. I’ll be able to vote and make decisions for myself. In two little year, all of these bittersweet dreams will be a reality. The days shorten until the ‘Sweet’ day, and I get more and more nervous with each passing hour. It makes no sense to feel this way about a simple birthday; it’s just one more day. At the same time, it’s almost the same as walking through a house. With a simple step, you can walk through the door of another room. You can walk from a bright green room, filled with kindergarten furniture, to a neutral colored room, with Victorian furniture. See my point? No matter how little the step may seem, it can take you to polar opposite areas. Making the small step in ages, to me, feels like jumping over the moon. Feeling like a VCR tape being fast forwarded definitely doesn’t help things. I know that this is a part of life, and I’ll get used to growing up.
All of these feelings rush together to make one big feeling that I still don’t quite understand. Sometimes I wish I could push the pause button, and understand how I feel. I would press pause, and sort through it a little more; that's not possible, though. You may not understand this post quite, but that’s okay. I don’t quite understand it myself. If you do understand, I’m happy for you. If you don’t quite relate that’s okay, too.
Until then,
Jayce
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