Kind of Like a Fairytale, But Not At All.

As we grow up, we develop memories. We may remember what our kindergarten classroom smelled like. We may subconsiously recall the place we had our first kiss, and pause when we pass by. We may remember how our mom made cookies. Now every time we eat an oatmeal cookie, we enjoy it especially because of the memory. Memories are fascinating things that have always flooded my mind. They sneak up and attack me when I least expect it. Smells seem to stand out exceptionally well, among other senses.  I may stop in the middle of a sentence and say louder than usual : " i remember that smell! That's exactly the way my old boyfriend from 6th grade smelled!" Memories are wonderful, terrible things.

Speeding trains that can't be stopped. They flash through your mind and take all of your attention, manipulate your mood. No matter how old you are, memories always have the power to make you cry.

    Location is an especially a hard thing to forget. Let me elaborate. There's a small town in Louisiana whose name will remain anonymous. A large part of my family lives in the small town. Within my family lives a woman who surpasses all fairytale evil. I spent about 9 years of my life getting yanked between this evil woman and my mother. Some of you know how this story goes. But after 9 years, we develop a diliking for all that represents this fairytale creature; including the places she goes, vehicles she drives, things she says, clothes she wears. I have given this woman the power to run my life for 9 years. So much so, that it has become extremely hard, after nearly three years since disconnecting myself from this monster and ruiner of my little girl fantasies of 'what-could-have-been', I still sit on pins and needles for this woman. I know in my head that I'm being silly. As I sit in this chair, typing this, I am less than 2 miles away from this terrible dream crusher. Knowing I'm this close, I don't allow myself to think of anything but possibilities concerning this fact. This, I know, is a complete waste of time since none of thoughts will become a reality. The terrible monster I speak of only concerns herself with ruining people's lives and starting drama where she knows it is likely to go her way, and she knows that she can't affect me anymore than what she's already done. I am unfortunately related to this woman so there is no escaping her at family gatherings. I spend my time in this Memory Lane of a town anticipating our encounter. I seldom go in public while I'm here. I am not scared of much, but this small town in Louisiana houses the greatest fear I have yet to face. Because of this Trash, my entire childhood was confusion. I have promised myself to be nothing like this woman, which has led me to be the person I am. She has proceeded to take a very important figure in my life, and shelter him so he has no clue what is happening. This man, similar to that of fairytales, has no backbone. He refuses to stand up for himself or take chances, for fear of unknown. He is the ultimate hypocrite. I am thankful to be looked after by the Plan Maker all this time though, because I know that, even though I may step into the unknown, he's always there with a map and compass to guide me through.

    Many people may face this problem; it may be only me. I used to live in a world controlled by this woman. I wanted revenge for all the evil she's done. I wanted to tell her what I think of her. I wanted nothing more than to pour a bucket of water on her just to watch her melt. But after I consider what I once wanted so badly, all I want is closure. I know that what was in my past has made me stronger. I'm okay to talk about it. I'm okay to admit that I still sit on pins and needles; I probably always will. I know that this revalation won't change the way I feel, but I accept it. There are some things I will never like. I continue to return to this town because my loved ones live here, not because there is some fairytale evil that I enjoy being around. As much as I wish the fairytale evil would somehow transfer to Antarctica, I know this is unlikely. I'm woman enough to know this:

There will always be places, things, and people you fear. But if you're lucky, you will be challenged to face your fears for the ones you love.

think about it :)