To Soar on Wings Like Eagles

     Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is defined as strength in the face of pain and grief. To be courageous does not take into account the age, size, or intelligence of a person. It takes into account only the size of their heart's trust in God's unfailing plan. This week in my community, we're celebrating the life of one of the most courageous people Our Maker has created. Zach Little is the hero of ever single person who had the honor of knowing him and his story. His eleven-year-old body, weakened with cancer, never lost strength from where true strength comes from.

     Many, through these tragic events, find the authority to question and interrogate God. The family, above all others, wouldn't be insane to grievingly say:

"Why have you done this to me?!!" 

"He was ours!! We weren't finished yet! Why didn't you stop this?!" 

Sure, this act would be simple.  Simply questioning God in the midst of disaster is easier than trusting. Fixing it yourself and falling into the arms of the people here on Earth is sometimes easier than falling into the arms of a big, invisible God who just took away someone you love. These are both more wordly, simple reactions to this, but Our Omnipotent Father calls us to Him, while wrapping our worn, tired bodies in His arms and leading us step by step through the pain. To take such a young boy seems wrong, but our little, containable minds cannot comprehend the Greatness of His Plan. His Glorious Plan is beyond what we think is righteous. Whatever He does is for His Glory Alone. 

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.Isaiah 40:31

Dear Zach,

   Although we weren't close--I didn't ever formally meet you, although you did ask me once why I had on a Princess Hat-- you are my hero. You were stronger through your fight than I believe I ever would have been, had I been given your sickness. You were so strong for your family and all of those that believed in you. God is great all the time, and I'm so happy for where you are now, because I know it's so much better than where we all are now. This whole family of supporters you have is so happy for the new body that you have, new and perfect, and the awesome praise you get to give Jesus face-to-face all day. I am excited for the day that we get to see you again soon! I will not tell you to Rest in Peace, because we know that is simply not true! I know that you are running wild, playing and jumping and playing baseball in Heaven. I know that where you are is beautiful, and you finally got to Soar On Wings Like Eagles. Thank you for being a blessing to us all. We're proud of you. 

Until we meet again, 

Jayce

The Little Family,

   When speaking never works, God whispers. You have been so strong through this, and I look up to all of you so much for the Courage you've shown through this battle. We've all supported you guys from the start and our community will continue. But I pray you'll remember this: Trust in the Plan. I couldn't imagine what is going on right now, but I pray that you allow God to embrace you. Allow Him to bury you, envelop you in his Arms, and hold you. It will be a long, uphill trek to level ground again, but trusting in The One that paved it is always the best way to go! Zach was not lost to you, and you will see him again one day soon. Just hope and get lost in The Glorious Maker's Plan through this. Bury yourselves in what His Perfect Will is through this. We'll be here to support you all of the way. 

Sincerely, 

Jayce

You Have Confusion All Over Your Face; Let Me Wipe Off that Gray Area

 High school is rough. It's the most fun you'll ever have, but you have no idea who you are yet. Some don't yet know what they stand for, and others are busy standing up for the wrong things. We balance our Friday nights with our Algebra homework. We worry about which Senior football player looked our way more than we worry about what we made on that AP US History final. We try to figure out what we want to spend the rest of our lives doing while we try to decide what the next step is. There are so many schedules and balances. So many questions we ask ourselves.. Through all of this four year journey, however, we're lucky enough to stumble upon those who are like us. We meet those we call friends. Some stay longer than others, and some make more of an impact. Some friendships burst into flames, and we'll all go through "significant others". We'll worry about what they think of us, whether or not they'll kiss us, what that text message meant, and who they were with last night, and that will leave a question of its own as we get older: "What is love?"
***
Love is a really slippery slope to travel on. It seems impossible to define, and a bunch of blurry lines and characteristics of a relationship that merge together to tie one into a relationship that hurts them more than they know how to do without. Love is a beautiful thing, but many mistake its identity for something it was never designed to be. The word is thrown under the speeding train of a breakup to somehow slow it down. It's used to break the legs of someone who wants nothing more than to run from a relationship that's no good for them. The word begs someone, who deserves more, to stay. It captures some in a net of confusion. For such a beautiful word, love can do some damage, right? If only we knew what love actually was. If only we could know, once and for all, what it takes to love someone. That way, there would be no more misuse. It would no longer be used as a lock on the Emergency Exit door of a relationship because love would have a form, a meaning. With a definition, there would be a way to know if love existed somewhere.
***
When you want to yell at her siblings for fighting when you have a headache, love is kind. They don't understand exactly what you're going through the first time you explain why you're sad. When the movie he begs you to see with him never seems to end, love is patient. When the pretty cashier flirts with him at Wal Mart, love doesn't get jealous. When all you want to do is rub it in her face that you made an A on the test she failed, love doesn't brag. When she asks you to help her babysit a ton of kids on your free night, but you don't like kids, you do. Even when staying home in a much quieter environment would be more fun, you help her out because love isn't selfish. When she wants you to meet her family, you do. You aren't rude to her family; it's not making out in the parking lot in front of everyone because love isn't rude at all.  When she pinches you really hard, love doesn't get mad easily. Love doesn't keep track of how many times he's done wrong, or how many times she's slipped up. Sneaking around and encouraging things that aren't of Godly Desire? love doesn't delight in evil, but it sings with joy for the truth and good of Life. No matter what, love will always protect you through your weak, and strong, days. Love will never stop trusting you, even when you've messed up. When you feel hopeless, love never stops hoping, and it won't expire. Love doesn't give up, because love never fails.
***
The troublemakers that try to control everything, the cynics that are always talking, and those drama queens who think they know everything will all disappear; they won't matter. When this happens, this perfect love, all of the imperfect things vanish into thin air. Any heartbreak of the past, any wrong someone's done to you, won't matter at all. In fact, it'll disappear, because when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. Love isn't easy, but even when it gets to be really hard I think that these are the things that are most important to keep. Looks are nice; musical talents are a wonderful way to pass the time, but The Creator of Love defined love for us. Why would you base love off of worldly ways? Why would one settle for less than what The One Who Knows Everything knows you need? Why settle for a blurry line when a clear line leads to less heartbreak?

The Storyline Gets Marvelously Complicated; It's Simple!

She had been away for a while. Not physically, but mentally. She had a lot in her life going on, and she thought that it would be a good enough excuse to run from the feeling of her heart tearing inside of her.
    Lately, she had been on the go. She was competing in beauty pageants often, and that was what she liked to focus her attention on. She liked to believe that being good at something that relied solely on her would make up for the fact that she had failed at something that had taken two people. She thought that life would only get harder from here, and for a while she seemed to be right. When you're inwardly upset, you can't fool everyone on the outside. Especially a pageant judge. When you only focus on the reason you felt torn inside, it's impossible to make one's eyes sparkle like her mom had always told her thinking happy thoughts would do. He was still in her mind. Even though she was telling him to let go, she couldn't. There was no fixing herself, but as long as he would be okay, she could live with herself. She wouldn't think of them, at least not openly. Sometimes, when they would talk she would allow the sweetness that she wanted to portray all along to shine through, but not often. She wanted to change her mind, but she couldn't go back on her vow. The vow. It seemed like so long ago since she had made that vow to be alone. She knew it was smart, but she just couldn't help but to think about going back on it. She considered the thought a few times, but when she got too far, she made rules for herself. She would only allow herself to remember the negative, the bad, about the times they shared. No happy thoughts were allowed. That's probably why she lost the pageant.
   The next day at school was going to be rough. She walked into her first period class, head held high, despite the downfall. There he sat. A Stranger. One she had never met before was sitting across from her seat. They had gone to school together for years, but they had never met. He was tall, and he had brown, short hair. His nose was crooked, but he was still incredibly handsome. He seemed shy and mysterious, like there was more to him than he was willing to portray, but she would break through that, she decided. She introduced herself as she sat down, keeping the awkwardness of being strangers at a minimum. Some would even think that they had known each other for years with the manner that she had greeted this stranger. They chatted a little, but not much, throughout the reciting of the rules they both knew by heart. The rules were the same in every class. Bellwork when you walk in the room. Homework was due by the end of the week. Raise your hand to leave class. Public Speaking was going to be such an adventure, she thought as she gave the stranger that sat beside her a sidelong glance.
  They had their third period class, History, together too. After comparing schedules, they had all of their next semester classes together, as well. She figured that she better become pretty close friends with this stranger if she would have to spend this much time with him. It'll be fun, she enjoyed making new friends, especially handsome new friends.
   She and her best friend, of course, talked about the new stranger that night. They talked about him and the who was currently ripping her heart in two. It was guy talk; it was a hint that she was finally getting her friend back after a rocky sophomore year and a long summer apart. In the midst of their conversation about the one they all know, her best friend reveals a secret about him that stabbed her chest with more pain than a butcher knife through the heart. The secret is not of any importance, nor will it be mentioned.
*******
   Later that night, as a routine, the one she knew so well talked to her. They conversed for hours via text, when they started fighting again. This happened all the time now. Every thing they said to each other had some degree of attitude in it, and the venom in their words slowly killed whatever chance they had left of being together. After much deliberation with herself, she asked for him to confirm the rumor, hoping with every last shard of her broken heart that it wasn't true, and he did confirm it, breaking her what was left of her trust in him. She cried, not knowing what else to do. Words failed her, and she decided that their journey together ended there.
***
Over the next week, he sent her flowers to class. She received seventeen roses, a Disney movie, and a five page letter over the time span of a week and a half. She let him back in, slowly but surely. She almost began to trust him again, until someone she looked up to greatly reminded her not to be so easily fooled. Her mind wandered, and she made a decision that she did not want to be THAT girl.  She did not want to be bought. She could not allow herself to be weak, and so she cut the cord. She told him no more, and that's when he snapped.
   Please understand that she didn't do this all on her own.  During this time, the stranger and herself inched their way closer to each other. She had never met another quite like herself, and he was so like her.  Though he was mysterious, they seemed to think on the same level. They had even been through similar heartache, and he had wonderful stories. She could also listen to him sing for hours. Maybe it was their closeness that helped push her along in her decision, or maybe it was something more magical.  They talked and shared stories all through class, and during one of his stories she decided that she liked this stranger more than she originally planned to. She found herself looking forward to the mornings, and looking forward to playing their flirtatious games. It was a slippery slope, she knew from the beginning, but she never expected to lose her balance. Now that she had, she had to find a way to make him slip, too.
  He invited her to go to church with him, where he would be leading worship that night. She tagged along, and as she watched him sing and strum on his guitar, she decided that she had never seen anoyone so happy while they worshipping the One Who Plans Everything. It was easier for her to worship the Maker knowing that the artist creating the music was deep in worship, as well. He took her home that night. They laughed and sang the whole way home. As they rounded a curve in the road, the moon became fully visible. It was blood red, in the shape a crescent as thin as Cheshire Cat's grin, and as big as one's head. It was unlike anything she had ever seen. When they pulled into her driveway, she jumped out of the car and ran to a clearing in her yard to try to see the moon better, but the far-off trees were blocking her view. As he came up behind her, she looked up at the sky and took in the marvelous beauty. The stars shone brighter than she had seen in a long time. Or maybe it was just the company she was in.. Whatever it was, nothing else seemed to matter at that point.
He put one hand on her shoulder, pointed and whispered, "Look right there. See the unicorn in the stars?"
As they both looked up, a shooting star blazed through the sky. Something inside both of them sparked the shooting star that night. Nothing had ever been this perfect for either of them, and that fact made them believe that there was more to this crush than what there seemed to be. Maybe it was luck; maybe it was planned by Someone bigger than us, but that night would always be remembered as the start of a new beginning....


to be continued

Heartbreaking Love Story

She's laying on the floor with a broken heart. Behind the privacy of her bedroom door, she's sprawled out on the floor as she tries to collect the pieces of her shattered heart. With mascara streaming down her face, she tries to convince herself that somewhere, someone is experiencing pain far worse than what she's having to cope with now. With a puddle of tears beneath her, her face is red, puffy, and smashed against the carpet as she whispers, "You're strong enough to handle this. This is temporary; God, please let this be temporary." The worst part of all: her phone vibrates with a text message. She lifts her head, up off of the tan, shag carpet to read:

"Tonight was fun:)" 

She throws her phone across the room with a frustrated cry, and it slams against the wall with enough force to chip the paint and make the battery fly out. She sits up and wipes her tired eyes, red and stinging from the salty tears. She glances at herself in the mirror, and wonders what's become of the strong, independent girl she used to be. She used to be so happy, and now she's been reduced to a puddle of tears on the floor. Within a moment, she knew what happened, but she didn't like the answer. She turned her back to the mirror and took a deep, shaky breath to calm down her throbbing heart. She tiptoed out of her bedroom, grabbing pajamas on her way out, and continued to the bathroom. The only thing that would fix this feeling, she knew, would be a long shower. The worst part about taking a shower, in her opinion, was this: The second you step into the hot water, whatever thoughts you happened to be running from came back to linger like steam on the bathroom mirror. There was no avoiding it, so as the water hit her puffy face, she welcomed the new collection of memories that the night had brought her. 

****

They had plans to go to the movies tonight. She knew it wasn't a good idea, but there was something in her that told her to go anyway. His name wasn't important; names don't create a person. All that mattered was that even though she loved him, they couldn't be together. The saddest part of this fact was that it was all because of her. After ten months, she decided to seek other things. More important things. She wanted to be able to stand on her own, but nobody except her knew how difficult that was turning out to be. So with the invitation of seeing a movie with the one she hadn't seen in almost a month, she was anxious. She spent the whole day talking to herself about what was going to happen, as if she could guess. She warned herself to stay strong, and to stay single. She spent two hours getting ready. She changed her outfit countless times because she wanted a look that said "I look great as a single woman". She fussed over her hair and makeup more than usual because she wanted to have the "Effortless Beauty" that everyone always talks about. As she watched his truck pull up at 6:00, she pleaded with the  butterflies in her stomach to stop fluttering about like morons. When he rung the doorbell, her heart dropped to her feet. He let himself in like he always does, and walked to the kitchen. She was sitting at the kitchen table, talking with her mom about their next vacations. She was going to Las Vegas, and her mom was going to Jamaica at the end of the month. He leaned against the doorway and smiled at her, "Hey,"

She smiled back and jumped up from her seat and bounced over to her purse, which was sat across the table, "Hey, are you ready to go?" 

"Yeah. We're taking your car, right?" He said as he walked over to where she was. The air condition in his truck was broken, and the summer wasn't a good time to take a thirty minute drive without air conditioner. 

"Mmmhmm. Hey, Mom, We're leaving. I'll call you." she said, and looked at her mom.

They walked out of the door and on to the car in silence. She knew this would be awkward; what could two heartbroken teenagers possibly have to say after they haven't seen each other in a month. They hadn't even left the driveway and she was already ready to go home. She wasn't ready for this. They stepped awkwardly into the car, and he started it. Even though it was her car, she hated to drive. She had her license as of yesterday, but she wasn't about to drive him around, no way. He started the car, and they drove off, a full evening ahead of them. 

"Hey, can you turn the air up? I don't have that advantage in my truck, so I'm going to take full advantage of it," He said to her. 

She laughed and turned up the air for him, "Here ya go; I'll fix it...mm.. There, is that better?"

She looked over at him, and he was looking at her. 

"It's nice to see you again. I haven't seen you in forever" He told her,  staring straight into her eyes, if only for a second. 

She can't remember now, but after that it was almost as if everything was okay. They talked and laughed the whole ride there, as if their hearts weren't both shattered. He told her about the song he emailed to some producer guy. She pretended like she didn't, but she knew that the song he sent was about her. She had seen it plastered all over the internet; it made her cry. Even still, she smiled when he told her all about it. He was so excited; his face lit up when he talked about it, so she had to be happy that he was happy. That's what love is about.

     They parked the car, and walked up to the ticket booth, and he asked for two tickets to a movie she didn't want to see. All she wanted to see was him, at least one more time. They walked into the movie theater, laughing and talking as their tickets were ripped and they were directed to their correct theater number. They sat down just as the movie started. She pulled her knee up to her chin as the lights went down, and she stared at the screen. The images flashed across the screen, but she could only focus on what she was doing here. Nobody in their right mind went out on dates with their ex boyfriends, and now she knew why. Just then, among all of her negative thoughts, he reached over and grabbed her hand. Maybe it was the sense of urgency in which he grabbed it that didn't let her do anything but hold his hand, too. Maybe it was the fact that, to her, that moment signaled just how much they both needed each other. Whatever it was, they held hands like that for the rest of the movie. She only dared to look at their hands once. The simple sight of their hands clasped like that again, after so long, made tears stream down her cheeks. Even still, she studied their hands, despite the tears that stung her eyes, because it was an image she wanted to remember. 

   As the credits started to roll, they took back their own hands, and looked at each other. Everyone was filing out of the theater, but they were simply sitting there, studying each other's face. The smile on his face was beautiful. How could she forget the hypnotizing way he looked at her? She studied it this time. 

He broke the silence, "You ready to go?"

She looked around at nearly all of the empty seats, stretched, and said,"Yeah, I'm ready when you are."

They got up, both awkwardly stiff from the two and a half hour movie, and left the theater. She called her mom as they pulled out of the parking lot, and then the whole ride home was like the Titanic. The night had been so beautiful, but the end was looming near. The conversation was slow and barely moving as they glided down the road. As the stoplights turned to stop signs and the roads got curvier, the conversation became as difficult as walking a tightrope, neither wanting to say what they were really thinking. As they pulled into the driveway, she unbuckled her seatbelt. He parked and turned the car off, and they awkwardly stepped out of the car. Her mind was full of mixed feelings. She was so sad that the date was over, but she wondered what would happen at the door. She was ready to be inside of her house, but she didn't want to open the door. 

   "So, I had fun tonight," she said, reaching for the doorknob. She wanted to give him a big hug and make everything better, but it wasn't her job to do that anymore. They weren't together anymore. 

"Can I just have a hug?" he asked, sending her stomach into her throat with those few words. 

They hugged, and time stopped. It was something that they both needed. There's nothing like a hug between two people who need a hug more than anything. 

"I miss you so much" he said into her ear. 

All she could do was hug him tighter; her voice would have cracked had she said anything back. She hugged him and embraced what the hug was. It was two hearts, clinging to each other for spare pieces. He stood back, and put his hand on her face. He wiped away that single tear that was streaming down her cheek and kissed her. It wasn't what she was used to. Something about the kiss was sad. It was trying to hold on to what little piece of sanity they each had left in them. The kiss struggled to put together the puzzles that neither of them had the courage to put together. They both smiled. It was ironic that such a smile could be shared. 

"I love you," He whispered to her. 

She wrapped her arms around him and said in a hardly audible voice, "This is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do."

They held each other for a while, neither wanting to him to disappear into the darkness of the night, but he finally had to turn around and walk away. Because that's what was best for them both. 

Surprise!

I sit here, staying up entirely too late, typing on a strange computer that makes me uncomfortable. It's an awestruck feeling that fills me when I begin to type after a while; I'm getting back onto a rusty bicycle that hasn't been ridden in many moons. I feel like I have a whole new appreciation for the art because it's been gone from me so long.
Over the gruesome month of June, so much has happened. The nearly 12 hour flight that took me 5000 miles away from home and on to the great state of Hawaii was an adventure in itself. I spent twelve days on a total of three islands: Oahu, Kauai, and the Big Island. The experiences and adventures that took place there are immeasurable. Our family of fourteen visited Oahu, the home of the Royal Hawaiian. That hotel can be described in one word: Pink. With that big pink host house, we toured the Dole Plantation on the Pineapple Express, and we toured Pearl Harbor, where we met three of the cutest old men to survive the tragic explosion.  We also got to swim with trained dolphins, and we para sailed over the aqua blue waters of the ocean. In Kauai, we watched some of the finest hula dancers in the world as they juggled fire. We rode, on horseback, down a mountain, and we went swimming at the base of a waterfall. We relaxed on the eighth day because we were worn out from all of the constant going. The next day picked right back up when we tubed down a 'ditch' and under over a mile of tunnel. I  hope you aren't afraid of the dark! We left Kauai the next day, and arrived at the Big Island, where we drove to the top of the world's tallest mountain to star gaze at a little over 9000 feet in the air (it counts as the world's tallest mountain because it starts underwater). The next day, we traveled 4100 feet up in the air to hike by a few steam vents and active volcanoes. We spent twelve long hours traveling home the very next day.
More important than all the memories created in that contrasting state was that during the time in Hawaii, The Creator of the Galaxies took me on a tour of the world He created. He splashed colors in the sky to create rainbows for me to see, and He showed me mountaintops through a view better than any prescription glasses any optometrist could give me. The Lover of the World took me on this tour with and showed me everything through His love. He grabbed me by my tiny hand and said, "I created all of this with just my voice, yet you were created with my hands. I knitted  you inside your mother's womb because you are special, and I love you." He reminded me each and every day, through whatever I did, that He is the One who created my story so delicately. He instructed me that I am only to  follow His lead, no matter what the world does. I walked so closely with my Sustainer that I was devastated to leave.  When the time came, I went home. I spent hours unpacking and repacking when I walked in the door, in preparation for the next day. The very next day, after returning home from my long Hawaiian adventure, I was to head off to church camp for a week. At first, I was a little depressed to have to leave home so soon. I missed my house, but going off to church camp only extended my walk with God, introduced me to new friends, and taught me many things. I met a few new friends that live in a little town in Texas. These are people God surely tailored into my life oh-so-delicately, because without church camp, they would not have existed in my world and made such an impact on my life. This small group of people that I had the honor of meeting allowed me to widen my horizons. They let me share my crazy, in-too-deep opinions with them, and get to know someone other than myself. I thought on a deeper level than I thought possible, which is quite the accomplishment. I got to know people I already was acquainted with, but got to love them on a level that is beautiful and selfless. I loved them with a love only possible through the Most High Love. That was an eye opening thing to see; I had never felt like God's puppet before.  With such impact as a car crash, I was struck in the heart with The Great Puppeteer saying to me, "I am the All Consuming One. I want all of you, all the time. You need to stay with Me, hold My hand, and let Me continue to be the light of your life."
It's awesome how once you have an experience like that, you'll do anything to keep it within your grasp. A journey with the Creator of the Universe is not something to be taken lightly, and since He called me, I was not about to ignore Him. Even still, it's a heartbreaking realization to realize that, for ten months, your priorities have been misplaced, slowly drifting further and further out of whack. I pleaded with The Merciful One not to break my heart in the way He had laid on my heart, but all The Great Planner said was: "I've got bigger, better plans than anything you could create yourself. Follow Me." How can you argue with that? I got home, and I did the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And although that "thing" may or may not remain unknown to you reading this, I urge you to do this: Whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." (Colossians 3:17)
If you don't, you'll have some serious heartbreaking to do because rearrangements will be absolutely necessary. The fact of the matter is: The Sustaining Grace of the Galaxies doesn't take second place. However, when He demands first, and you inevitably give it to him, His plan for you will always be the best plan. Nothing can compare to His power.


think about it:)

One More Before Summertime, Explanations and All

Once again, life gets hard. On the way back from a little town in Louisiana, my laptop was sitting there, so gracefully, on the floor. There she was just minding her own business when an oh-so-ignorant-and- anonymous foot stepped upon her face and cracked it beyond recognition. I, the owner of the the beautiful holder of all of my writings and an astronomically meaningful post I had written for a special family member of mine, didn't even notice until I trudged up the stairs at nearly midnight, flicked open my laptop, and turned it on. The spider web cracks that cover three-fourths of the screen make things impossible to navigate, so I asked my mother to take the laptop to a nerdy computer fixing place. She did, but they couldn't fix it for anything under 400 dollars. Needless to say, I haven't got that amount of money lounging about my household wood works, so my writing and other shenanigans will have to be postponed until further notice. I would try to type to you though my mom's computer, but my thought process only works effectively through the privacy and comfort of my own computer. While my laptop is gone from me over the summer, I'll be writing about countless adventures this summer, and when my laptop finally gets fixed, I'll put them up; I hope you'll enjoy them!

Preview: I'll be writing about the adventures of my Sixteenth Summer, one sure to be full of adventure. I'll be attending cheer camp, a place full of adventurous, mischievous young girls; going to Hawaii, a group of islands with adventures as abundant as grains of sand on the beach; church camp, a retreat that'll definitely be worth the time it takes to drive there. I can't wait to write all of my adventures down for all of you! Have fun this summer!


Until next time,
 --- J